Breakeven
by 96thPerson
Summary: "Cuz when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven..." Karkat watches John and Dave before they initiate the Scratch. Confessions are made, and Karkat realizes something about himself that he's maybe never wanted to come to terms with, because it just hurt too much. Oneside JohnKat, DaveJohn, angst.


Ah, well... Once again, I'm uploading a Homestuck fic... i think all I can write for this fandom is angst omg. I was listening to some sad songs (not really) and this came to mind, I've always kind of wondered what Karkat's reaction would be to seeing DaveJohn lol Time is... Maybe sometime after they reach the green sun, and they're getting ready to meet Aradia... But Sol is alive here so I don't know. Or maybe it's sometime after they calmed Gamzee the fuck down... KK is watching John before he initiates the scratch... It's somewhere around there XD;;

Also, the pesterlogs aren't supposed to be spaced like that, but FF did it for me so whatever lol.

* * *

Karkat had been watching John Egbert for his thirteen mortal years, and never had he felt worse for the human than he did now. John had stumbled into LOHAC, to initiate the scratch, and somehow, and found Dave's quest bed… And Dave. Dead. Decapitated.

John collapsed to his knees by the body, his eyes tearing up, a sob escaping his lips. His best bro was lying dead in front of him, and Karkat almost shed a tear himself. He was reminded of the time Gamzee had gone totally berserk, and when he had dropped Sollux down the stairs… He was so afraid he had killed him, he was almost brought to tears. He had always secretly prayed John would never go through the same thing… But now it was happening.

His prayers had never been answered. Trolls didn't have religious systems, it was only the Condese and the Subjuggalator's miracles. God never existed to him, until he had met John and Rose and the other two, and maybe it was because he was praying to something he never believed in, that it backfired and John had to see his bro dead.

The pesterlog sounded, and it was John. _You can't answer, you won't answer. It will only make things worse._

ectoBiologist [EB] has started pestering carcinoGenecist [CG]

EB: karkat?

EB: karkat are you there?

EB: karkat please answer me!

EB: i just found dave dead… i don't know what to do.

EB: karkat, are you there?

EB: ?.?,,.

EB: i can barely see what i'm typing

EB: karkat?

EB: karkat!

Karkat pulled his knees to his chest. He refused to answer John, the kid didn't need his apologies or insults right now, and he was not going to show that he was upset too. He wasn't going to openly say, "I wish I was there to hold you," to anyone. Not John, not Sollux, not even himself. Fuck, John, just stop texting me already. Y_ou don't make this any easier on me, either. _

It was a selfish thought, he knew it, but John had broken enough of his walls already, this one was _not_ coming down.

EB: karkat why aren't you answering me

EB: are you there? i know you can see me.

EB: please just tell me something

EB: some recognition, just

EB: i don't know

Another sobbed came from the screen, and Karkat buried his head in his knees. He tugged his own hair, he wanted so badly to say something, but he was not going to show any sort of pity for John. He didn't want John's pity, didn't want anyone's pity, and was sure John would feel the same. Or at least, he hoped he was right.

EB: karkat

EB: damn it karkat!

EB: answer me already!

EB: vriska isn't answering either, nor are rose and jade

EB: i can't tell them… they'd just get more worried.

EB: you're the only one I can talk to here.

EB: i wish you were here.

You have no idea how much I wish I was there with you, Karkat thought. He dug his nails harder into his head, ruffling his hair. His eyes were wet with tears, he wanted to scream in frustration. He wanted to tell John so much, he wanted to comfort John, to reply and say, "I know. I want to be there too. I'm sorry, please don't cry." He wanted to hold him, kiss him, just be there for him, but got it was so difficult to just keep his hands off the keyboard. John couldn't ever see this side of him, the weak side. No one could, he would never be taken seriously as the leader.

EB: … karkat no

EB: are you gone too

EB: no

EB: you can't be

EB: you can't

EB: you

EB: karkat

EB: no

John dropped his head, his phone clattering to the floor. He buried his face in his hands and started crying, broken sentences escaping his lips. "Why did everyone leave… Is it just me? Why did I start this game, If I just didn't play, then no one would have died… Oh god I'm so sorry.. Karkat…"

Karkat started crying then too. He rocked back and forth, burying his face in his knees. For a good ten minutes, the two were sitting there in utter agony. John's best bro was dead, and Karkat just wanted to let him know he wasn't alone, but he couldn't, he wouldn't show his feelings. No emotions towards Egbert except anger. No other emotions.

God he was so flushed for the kid, but he wouldn't ever say jack shit.

"Dave!"

John's cry made Karkat look up at the screen. John was holding someone, a blonde guy with shades, not much taller than him, in a black suit. John was hugging his shoulders tightly, the guy had his arms around his waist, they were embracing. "Dave, oh god, Dave I'm so glad to see you…! I was so afraid, no one was answering my pestering, not even Karkat. I thought you were-… I thought you were dead…"

"It's a long story… I'm sorry I scared you… Jade and Rose are alright, don't worry." Dave replied, wiping John's tears away. He kissed his forehead, and John held his shoulders, breathing a sigh of relief. He leaned up, pressing his lips to Dave's, and the blonde cupped his face with both hands. John's hands wrapped around his shoulders and they were lost in the kiss, moving together and trying to get closer, just to drink in the fact the other was _alive_.

Karkat's eyes widened. He couldn't be seeing this. Oh my god he was. No, this couldn't be happening. Not this, anything but this. He fiercely wiped his tears away, hiding in his knees again. A gasp escaped his lips. John was flushed for Dave. Dave Strider. Dave fucking Strider. He couldn't handle watching this, emotions were flooding him, and his chest just hurt. The wall had already been crumbling, but this last act just brought it down. His last line of defense shattered and his hands flew to the keyboard, intending to spill everything out into the chat log. Instead, all that came out was,

CG: JOHN

CG: JOHN IM SORRY.

"KK."

Oh fucking hell, the goddamn guy had to walk in at this moment of Karkat's weakness. He tried to hide his tears, but the they wouldn't stop coming. "hey, i need s0me help with s0mething, y0u g0t a m0ment- KK?"

He strode over, poking Karkat's shoulder blade, then moving his hand up his back to his shoulders. The sobs wracked his body, and the sounds reached Sollux's ears, and he gave Karkat's shoulder a light squeeze. "KK, y0u 0kay…?"

A gasp found it's way to his ears, and he glanced up at Karkat's screen. The gasped, "Dave…" That followed alerted him to what was going on. "0h. g0g, KK, i-"

"DON'T GIVE ME ANY PITY, SOLLUX. LEAVE ME ALONE." Karkat tried to hiss, but it only came out as an non-ntimidating whine. Sollux moved his hand and reached to pat Karkat's head, but withdrew his hand. "0kay. if y0u need t0 talk, i'll be here."

The sound of the door sliding closed alerted Karkat that it was alright to look up at the screen, he cheeks tear stained. "Fuck you, Strider," he whispered, watching John moan under Dave's fingers. Karkat closed the window and hid his face again, he was too upset to think about anything else. If he ever met Strider, he would… He wouldn't hesitate to hurt him.

* * *

Augh why are the characters so complicated. Especially Karkat he's hard to explain. ajjklfklf Sol was too nice lol I give, I hope someone liked it. Oh! I forgot to mention, the title of this fic, Breakeven, is a song by The Script. Good song, go check it out XD


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